Log Ons and Such

I am so sorry I have not written for so long. I have had the worst time trying to remember my log on information. It seems these days I am having a tough time remembering anything. So much is happening this month too which makes it tough to keep track of it all.

This weekend is the Art Of Marriage at our church. Dave and I are attending as our Valentine gift to each other. It is alot like the Weekend To Remeber we attended in November. The main difference is this is video conferenced instead of a live speaker. I am really looking forward to it. At the weekend to remeber I had a great time but was in the dark about so much in our marriage. Now that I am in the light I will be taking everything in from a different perspective. I am hoping to get some new tools to give me hope to move forward with Dave. The past couple of months have not been easy. One day I think I can manage and we will be ok and the next I feel so hopeless. I have to keep looking to God because without him i can do nothing.

Lillie's birthday is just around the corner so we are strating some planning for her. She will be 7! She is getting to be such a big girl. I can barely beleive all that has happened in her short life already. She is so excited about her birthday and that her brother can share in it this year.

The Awana race is the same weekend as Lillie's b-day. She and I both have cars to race this year. I will post pics later. I am doing a Noahs Ark themed car and Lillie is doing a b-day cake theme. Mine is done and turned out pretty cute. Lillie's still needs alot of work.

Noah continues to grown and do well. he was sich with a cold and went to the doc last week. he is not on antibiotics. he has two teeth now and the third is on its way. he can crawl the entire length of the house and is starting to pull up on things. I am still managing to nurse him and he still wakes several times in a night. I am still tired alot!

Dave had hit three deers not too long ago but we were able to get the car fixed and it continues to get Dave to work each day. We are not sure how much longer it will go but we need at least another year out of it.

I am starting a musical program at church teaching tweens how to do ASL to some of the beautiful songs the congregation sings. We are now working on "The Power Of Your Love". It has been fun to get back to signing and doing it to praise the Lord. Signing put to music is so powerful and beautiful. It is also great to have someplace to put my focus.

Dave and i have talked alot oabout all that has hapapend in our marriage. Some days i am still in denial but for the most part have accpeted what has happened. It would be easy to walk away but I am trying to do what Christ would want and stay. Dave has God now in his heart and tells me he is a changed man. if he is being honest then the best is yet to come and the husband I always wanted. i would be stupid to walk away. At the same time if I stay and it happens again I would have invested in a lie and be worse off than now. The way I am trying to see it is that God gives us opportunities to be more Christ like. If we take them on and grow spiriualy we are better off no mater what happens in our life. However if we do not take them on we are exactly the same on the inside and the outside results do not really matter. This is not a natural way of thinking for me yet so it us a daily walk to trudge at times. Keep praying for me and my family. We need it!

Happy New year

Wow! Can you beleive it is 2011 already? I have to admit I am very happy that it is a new year. I have to admit I am not much for the idea that the one year is over so leave what you were behind and then forge ahead as a new person. I beleive your still that same.

This past year brought Noah to us which was amazing. he is such a cute and well behaved baby. He is still nursing and just received his first tooth. he enjoyed Christmas alot. His favorite thing was to eat the wrapping paper. He is now crawling but struggles to sit more than a few seconds. He is finally sleeping for more than two hours at a time which I am very pleased about.

Lillie has accomplished so much at school. She did great in her musical and has been doing very well in math. She enjoys girlscouts (the cookie sale is right around the corner so save up a few dollars) and starts basketball this week!

Dave and I struggled alot this year..more than I could have ever imagined. I am not sure right now what the year year will bring to us and our marriage. Right now it is so deconstructed that I assume it can only get better if given the opportunity. one moment I feel I can move forward and just focus on us now. With Gods help i suppose we could flurish and come out ahead. Our children would benefit most from this type of dedication and strenth. On other days I am unable to move past the hurt and betrayal. I have had to burry the husband and the marriage I thought I had. I now am living with what seems to be a starnger. Some of the old husband I was not that fond of anyway so giving him up is easy but I had no idea he was capable of having three affairs. He wants to work on things though and feels now that he has God he can be the man I always deserved and needed. Its difficult to trust that however and I fear for what could happen if I allow him that opportunity. God says we are not to have fear rather faith in him. If I can do that no matter the outcome I would be ok and bathed in his assurance. I am not sure if I am far enough along n my faith to do that. I will commit each morning to do so and hope to end each evening having succeeded.

I hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas and I wish you a wonderful new year. people say happy new year but happy is juts a fleeting feeling. It comes and goes like the wind. i wish you a joyous new year because once you have joy in your heart from Christ it will remain forever and be unchanged!

Christmas Week

Wow! Can you beleive Christmas is just days away? This year has been moving way too fast for me. I feel like I am not able to keep up with things lately. I used to be so organized and up to par but lately I have been slipping in so many ways. Life has been hard lately, actually thats an understatement...life has been unbearable. I seem to keep bearing it though. Each day I lean more about the past and keep uncovering and unraveling the things in life I thought I knew only to find I was in complete darkness. I would never wish anyone to be here in my shoes because it is difficult. I think it is like being in the ocean and your having fun in the waves till one pulls you under, you gasp for air and try to get back to the surface but no matter how hard you try your being pulled down farther. I am trying to get back up and am gasping for air. I have not given up. I have been learning alot about God these past few weeks. I knew alot about God or so I thought anyway. I know lots of stories about God etc but I am now just learning how to cultivate a relationship. I learned alot about this rom Lillie's school play. She did a great job in it too! God does bring storms to us but we need the water to grow. There would not be much point in sewing the seeds if we never watered them. Of course we must weed and watch for the crows or the crops can be destroyed. What a powerful leasson to learn. I guess God knew i did not have a handle or that and needed a new avenue to learn more. If you ever heed any advice I would share it would be to learn all you can about God...his love and his power with free will because if you don't he will find ways to help you get there and the lesson may be tough. Its so much better to take the first initiative.

This weekend was fun. We took the kids to Christmas Village. Lillie beleives this is the real North Pole. She did great with Santa this year. She only asked him for one thing and that was a set of blocks for her brother. She made her own list the other night but she told me the thing she wants most this year Santa would never be able to give. I asked her what it was. She said that she wanted daddy to get out of his big sin, for mommy to learn to forgive and for us to be able to kiss under the Christmas tree on Christmas morning. Wow! She can see so much can't she? Well i told her she was right that Santa could not fill her request but I told her that God could, so we prayed to him that night and asked for just that.

Christmas

Wow, can yo beleive Christmas is almost here? I have so much to do and so little time. I honestly use to be so on the ball with this stuff but each year it seems I fall a little shorter than the year before. Fortunately I still seem to manage well enough that no one really notices.

Lillie has her big play at school this weekend. Sh ehas been practicing for months now and is so excited but also nervous. She does three shows so we hope ater the first she still wants to do the other two....especially since her family is coming ot the second show.

I know many of you were concerned after reading my prior post. I am not going to get into the details and messyness of my life right now. Just know that I have Gods grace and love. Things are so not easy for me right now. I have been betrayed in my marriage and this is the second time. It is not easy. I have a broken heart and lots and lots of fears. I can honestly tell you though that I know this was not my fault! I can also tell you that the man that did this is not the man I am married to today. I just leanred this but it was a past offense. New to me, yes; but dead to him. I have a broken heart but God can do wonders with the puzzle if I am willing to give him all the pieces. That is where I am today and I need to be able to give them all to him. I am still looking at some of the pieces and trying to figure out the picture and make sense of it, but does it even really matter? I will be ok:) It will take me time though.

Keep me and my family in your prayers. Prayers for re-building, openess and honesty and most of all for Gods grace to shine on us all!

Down and Out

So I am sure many of you have noticed I have been writing less these days. Its not that I don't want to rather I am having trouble focusing. Did you ever have something really bad happen to you in your life? Your glad when it's over and then you think maybe you will never experience anything like it again? You already had your share of pain and as much as God knew you could bare? I thought that too until the day before Thanksgiving. I will not enlighten you of the details because you are better off not knowing. What I can say is that one of my biggest fears has come true and I am now broken. I have God's grace and am sure to be restored but not sure where to go from here. I have a long road ahead and nothing will be easy. Please keep me in your prayers and hearts and forgive me if I am just not with it these days.

A Weekend To Remember

I know many of you have already heard about A Weekend To Remember but for thos eof you who have not it is a weekend getaway for couples to learn about marriage ect. Dave and I were able to go this past weekend. We did not spend the night and we had to come home during the day to nurse Noah but it was so worth it. We had an amazing time. We learned so much more about marriage, Gods design for our lives and family, and tools to work on unresolved conflicts over the years. In our 20 years we have experienced just about everything you can imagine a marriage could...even the worst things that everyone hopes will never happen. We have always pushed through it and continued forward but have been broken in many ways. We have so much work to do to repair so much damage. We are not defeated though and this weekend has shown us the love and grace of the Lord that will allow us to forgive and deepen our love. We even renewed our vows which we had been wanting to do for sometime. It was amazing. If you have never gone I would defintitly suggest it!

Well we are now looking on to Thanksgiving. Lillie is so excited. She wants everyone to ocme to our house. We have a very modest size home so thats not always possible. We did however invite our parents and they all said they could come. How great is that? Dave is excited about making a turkey as he loves to cook and is so great at it. Lillie only has one more day of school and then she is off. She brought her report card home and made High Honor Roll. We are so excited that she is doing well in school and cares about her school work. In two weeks her big school play is here. She has been working so hard to get ready for it. She is not a main character but is in several songs so we are very excited for her.

I would like to wish you all a very Happy and Safe Thanksgiving.